Doula Mel

Agatha makes an unwelcome appearance

Yesterday Agatha tried to come and visit.  This is the name I have given to my anxiety.  Yes I am aware naming my anxiety is somewhat arb but it makes me feel better and she seems less scary.   She knocked on my door again this morning and my heart went boom-boom-boom immediately.  I sat in my chair and wrote a quick note to God and then sent a text to one of my BF's who is a big clapper and a great prayer and Agatha buggered off after a while.  I also went for a walk up the mountain with BF Jen and we got to gaze down at the big deep blue sea and the mountains and decided even though we live in Boringville, we are extremely blessed by the natural beauty all around us.  It is perfectly still up there, pure exquisite silence.

I know she will come and go and I also know it is largely linked to my cycle.  I have had 1 PMS week after my holiday and it was my 'best' one yet.  Apart from the chocolate craving and a brief moment where I pictured myself stabbing my beloved with a pencil, (the same pencil I was using to write to God at the time!) I was pretty OK and really proud of myself for being that OK.  I am still feeling pretty good and sticking to my recipe.  I am sure all this exercise is helping and prioritizing, is definitely helping.  I guess being a little self-centered is needed every now and again.

Tomorrow the critters are sleeping out and I have Gary all to myself.  (LOVE that chap!)  Fortunately I am not PMS'y so unlikely to inflict any bodily harm with any writing instrument.  We are, in fact, going to plan his 40th which happens at the end of November.  Last November is was Tertia's 40th and my mom's 60th and we were all different people back then.  It seems like a life time ago but a good life time.   And now I am off to watch one of my fave TV shows... 'So you think you can dance!'   US folks, we are behind you so do not tell me who wins!  

For Tim

This is for my blog friend Coral who has a precious daughter with a precious sick little boy.  Its a double blow to see your child in emotional pain and your grandson in physical pain.  Coral you are a super cool granny and I trust this will be really successful.  Coral is using the bandannas from Pick n Pay's sunflower bandanna day to make a quilt or 2 to raffle to raise funds for Tim and his folks.  If you have bandannas from the day pls mail me so I can send you onto Coral and we can get them sent to either Cape Town or JHB.   For the non SA folks, Pick n Pay is our big grocery store and they make these bright flower bandanna every year to raise funds for leukemia.  This year Daniel wore his to school looking rather embarrassed as it was bright pink and no one else wore one.  My self conscious 13 year old would not normally wear the scarf but having his precious Mimi lose her hair this year made it seem not quite so blind.  

Trying to be Yoga Barbie

I had my 2nd yoga session today.  Last year the physio told me I was as flexible as a 65 year old.  I dashed off to buy a pilates DVD which was a big waste as Gary & I did it exactly once.  Now that I have joined the gym, I have decided to try and stretch out these super tight inflexible ligaments of mine.  I haven't done a pilates yet as I have decided yoga is it for now.

It is very hard not to compare myself to all the girls bending themselves like pretzels while I am stretching to the max and barely touching my knee.  Pride,pride, pride...its such a B*tch!   Do you think its enough to do just once week?   As you know I love the Nia and Zumba which is way more cardio focused.  The katabox too actually.  I don't want to gym every day especially as I hope to get back in the water for a surf in the next 2 weeks.   Nia, Kata, Zumba and Yoga all once a week with 1 or 2 surfs thrown in.  Sjoe, I am fitness Barbie, whooohooo!

PS, for the Lordy lasses who are worried about yoga:   We control our minds and our hearts and what goes in and what goes out.  You decide what you want to fill your head with and who you are bowing to or not bowing to.  Their is absolute respect of individual self and no one is forced or pressured to do anything that makes them physically or spiritually uncomfortable.  Its like Nia for me, I am constantly praying and thanking Him for my body and the earth that He created that I live in.  I find it relaxing and peaceful and it gives me the balance that is my major focus at the moment.

PPS.  The plastic is off my tattoo now and I LOVED looking at my foot as I was desperately trying to reach it with my hands and stretched out arm!

One of those thanksgiving days

Do you ever have a day where you feel so incredibly grateful for all God has blessed you with?   Today is a beautiful day and my folks have just returned from their 5 day bush holiday at Kruger.  My mom is like me in seeing God in creation and the animals there are so majestic and fabulous and brilliant you can't but help to Him every where.  Lions and leopards and tiny frogs and incredible birds and springbok and the amazing quiet that is only broken by animal noises.  They feel restored and happy and connected which means I feel the same way.  When the people we love suffer on any level, we suffer too.  When we see them happy we get the flip side and it is so invigorating.  My mom said no medicine in the world could have healed like the natural beauty and joy of this little holiday.  We wander and question and ponder and calculate finances before we go away and it always seems like such a mission. 

Mauritius and now Kruger just confirm how important it is.  It doesn't look like we will get to go away for our little local holiday after all but I am certainly going to have one at home by camping in the garden and doing lotsa fun stuff with the kids.  I feel so much happier in summer, la la laaah but its gorg today!  I even went to gym this morning and I felt all grateful for my healthy body, more peaceful mind and now after speaking to my mom, happy fogies.  Thanks God, you are the restorer, healer and lover of our souls. x

A bit like childbirth

When one is in the throes of labour and kakking off from the agony of fierce and excruciating contractions, you swear you will NEVER ever have another baby and most certainly not even consider a shag again.  Then after several long hours filled with swearing, groaning, breathing and rocking, you hold your baby and while you don't forget that pain, (well certainly not me) you do feel that the end justifies the means.

Yesterday post tattoo I swore never ever to put myself through that again.  I couldn't believe the fully tattooed people working at the very cool Metal Machine in Shortmarket Street in town.   I wasn't quite sure if they were awfully brave or awfully stupid but they were pretty cool none the less.  Tatts are expensive and obviously around forever so if you ever do decide to do one, you just have to use someone good.  These guys do all Gary's and are really good.   The language is somewhat colourful, think Tertia's book where F*ck is used approximately as many times as 'the, and, but and baby' but once they start, you only hear your own desperate breathing.   Anyhoo, back to my childbirth analogy.  After admiring the pic of the new baby tattoo, I am thinking it might need a little sibling after all and was it reeeeeeeeeeally so bad?   It is still under cover and will get yucky and scabby but in about 2 weeks time I can show it off.  I will never have loads of tatts and I am still not sold on Gary's full sleeve but I wouldn't mind just 2 more little ones.  His name on my right wrist to match my name on his left wrist.  Three little stars on the back of my neck to match the 3 he has for all 3 kids.  Back of neck.....bony, ooh its coming back to me now, not ready, nope!   I think I need at least a years gap between the tatts to forget even more.  

Have a great weekend everyone, we have 2 drummie marches by the 2 girls and 1 ballet recital plus I am teaching Sunday school this Sunday so busy bee me.  Chat Sunday or Monday. xxx

Frikkin' super OUCH!

Oh my word but that hurt.  I was all excited and a little nervous but I totally underestimated the pain.  Our feet are bony with loads of nerve endings on the top and it really was super painful.  I did all my labour techniques to cope with the pain!  That mermaid who was supposed to be on my back, has died!  Gone, I am burying her as I can't possibly do this again.   I am chuffed though, that I actually did this and how it looks so lovely and reminds me of some of my fave things:

My gorg and sexy husband who came with to support me

My gorg and sexy surfboards that will get back into the ocean real soon

My gorg and sexy Hawaiian and Mauritian holidays and all the other island holidays I hope to take.

It still hurts and I can't submerge it in water for 2 weeks which sucks a bit.  I get to show it off after 2 weeks but here is a pic so long.

Getting closer to my 1st tatt

So tomorrow I go and see Gary's tattoo artist in town.  This is not the big one I have planned on my lower back but just a little one on my foot.  It has been inspired by this henna tattoo I got in Mauritius and mirrors the pattern on my 2 surf boards.  I am not sure of the colours yet and the exact design but we will discuss that tomorrow.  I am really hoping he will have enough time to do the actual tattoo as well.

As for my back, its on hold for now.  I am not sure if I will have the balls to do that one but the foot is a good start.  I had the exact pinup mermaid design in my head for my lower back and then Gary saw Cat do it on Miami ink and it really does look just as I described.  I will take it with me tomorrow to ask him price and length of time it will take.  I know tattoos are personal and your reasons for not doing it but I believe we regret the things we don't do more than the things we do do.  I will be an old lady one day and look down at my foot of flowers and remember this amazing time in my life of self discovery and growth and I can't imagine it wouldn't give me anything but pleasure.

Here is a pic of my henna tattoo that is a little faded but gives you the general idea.

 

Does Zara need a BF?

I forgot to add Zara's contribution to the new Zen me... she is finally an outside dog!   I had got her to sleep outside for the previous week before going on holiday and then she went off to Mimi and Pops who did a great job with her.  Nancy and Phoebe the sausage dogs were totally unimpressed and the dog quickly became an outside dog.   I can't tell you how much more peaceful my home now is without mad mutt Zara.   She was like a tornado destroying all in her path or eating everything edible or otherwise. 

She is 6 months next week so yes, it was probably high time but still, I do feel a little guilty.  I just don't know dog rules.  Do I let her in occasionally or will that confuse her?  Is she lonely now?  Bored or sad?   Does she need a friend?  Yes I know I am her friend but I am meaning a fellow butt sniffing/licking kind.  She went to visit her auntie Tertia and she loved Shelley (golden retriever) and Bruno (homos*xual ridgeback)

I was telling Tertia how overwhelming I have found the dog thing and how I suck as a dog parent.  She made me feel better as she said Zara was not your average dog and definitely a sufferer of ADHD as well as being not quite right upstairs.  She has been declared sweet but mad by my father as well.   What do I do?  Do you think she needs a dog friend?   Or not?  I definitely won't do the puppy thing so I am thinking about 3 or 4 years old and a possible labbie.  What breed or breed combo do you think?  It needs to be someone relocating or a rescue dog.  Gary had his way 1st time around and now its mine.  The dogs in Mauritius were just so heart breaking and looked like our township dogs here.  Thin, pregnant or with hanging titties, mangy and neglected.  If you go to pat them they cower expecting to be beaten.   Sad!

PS, in my previous staunch no dog days I only ever noticed poor people, now its poor dogs and I am even tempted to put my money in that dog tin as opposed to poor kid tin!

Ingredients for my healthy/happy recipe

My new peaceful state feels very precious and rather fragile.  I am doing whatever I need to, to protect and sustain it.  Its amazing how hard times are our biggest teachers and how they really do refine and teach us.  Having almost lost my marbles just a few short weeks ago, I am rather enjoying this sane person who is me.   My holiday gave me the time to soul search, pray, rest and figure out what I need.  I ate loads of seafood like mussels, prawns, oysters, octopus and crabs.   I drank plenty water, I read that amazing book and I stopped rushing and it all helped so much.

Much as I would love to move there or some place calmer, it is not going to happen  So, how do I keep healthy and happy in my current circumstances is my big challenge here. Well I am working on the recipe and this is what I have come up with:   I am a pretty wired person who does have anxiety issues.  I can recognize when they appear and I am using breathing and counting to try and stay calm.  I am supposed to use visualization but I forget so its breathing for now.  (In 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, exhale for 5.)  I also define the situation and answer my 'what ifs.'

Next is diet.  I felt really crappy for how I treated my body.  Just absolute neglect and very little nurturing.  I am sure all that oily fish helped so I have finally bought the omega 3 & 6.  I am also eating granola with raw almonds and banana for breakfast and making sure I don't skip lunch.  Unfortunately I am still eating way too much sugar for now but at least I have started.   I will also have a Vit B injection every 6 weeks or so and have the odd massage.  Exercise....well I haven't been back to gym but I did take my dog for a walk and intend going back on Wednesday.  I will still do 3 or 4 times a week but less frantically and ensure I do some chill stuff too like dog walking.  I am also going to try a yoga and hopefully won't be too bored.   What else?   Oh, scheduling.  Yes I know my kids have crazy afternoon schedules.   This really can't be helped and I don't mind.  I just need to plan better.  I will have the bags packed before, I will ensure I have food and water in the car and something for me to read or do.  I will organize lift clubs where possible.

My time:   I will sit in my chair for a least 10 minutes a day and chat to God, listen to Him, stare out the window or journal.  I will do this once the kids have left and BEFORE I switch on my computer.  I will not over commit and I will say no when I need to.  I will delegate and make lists and prioritize.  I will try and choose the odd day and do nothing like see a movie or go down to the beach and I will not feel guilty! 

Happy place.... my beloved beach.  I will go more often and smell the sea and look at the mountains and walk on the sand and once it is warmer, swim and surf again.   I am so excited summer is around the corner, I so hate winter!    

God.  We are having such a good time lately, I am in that sweet spot.  I know it fades and returns again but for now, I feel so loved.  I am terribly hard on myself and I turn God into this headmaster too.  I push myself and I am so scared of pride or selfishness, I go the other way.  Its just stupid!   He has give me this real love of self.  This feeling of wanting to look after myself and take better care of myself.  I feel His approval and His protectiveness.  I feel safe.  I want to lie on my bed and spoon with Him.  Be still and know that I am God.  On Saturday I took a new group of girls to the hospital on a BB visit.  It was precious, they loved it and I saw BB through their eyes.   Its a beautiful thing we do God, you and I, a beautiful thing. 

So I eat properly, I breath slowly, I plan, I ask for help, I rest, I swim, I walk my mad dog and I pray.  I know things will go crazy again but I am hoping that they will not reach the point they did before.  I feel wiser and slower and happy and grateful.    

The perfect dress in the wrong size

As I get older I learn to listen to my inner voice more and more, my peace barometer is checked and evaluated and if any unease is revealed, I rethink and re-evaluate the situation.  As you know the decision where to send Daniel to high school has been huge.  I have felt enormous pressure and have taken this more seriously than any other parenting decision.  I blogged, I prayed, I researched, I spoke to friends and family and present and past pupils of the 3 high schools available to us. 

After chatting to all of you and going through the whole nightmare, we decided on the all boys school in the neighboring town.  Incredible reputation, exquisite grounds, affordable, amazing opportunities, and wonderful 'old boys' network which meant huge potential career opportunities after school.  I was very proud that he got in as the selection process was very tough and he is not a star on the sportsfield.  (Big sporting school!)   He had already got into the local school where all his mates were going and when he found out about Paul Roos, well, he was gutted.   I believe you leave responsible decisions in responsible hands and being a very young 13, meant he did not have the final say.  (His reasons for local:  girls, friends, sleep later as closer)

Although super disappointed, he did accept that he was going to Paul Roos and we planned life accordingly.   It continued to niggle though and the only thing I did worry about this holiday, was the damn school again.   Every day it stayed on my mind, I just could NOT get any peace about it.  On my last morning I took my journal down to the beach while everyone was still sleeping and started writing/praying.  I often write to God what my prayers are and I was begging Him for confirmation that we were doing the right thing.  I wrote the pros and cons of each and then I waited.   My message He is telling me over and over again is 'Be still and know, that I, am God.'   So I stayed still and then I wrote:
You have many wise people in Daniel's life to co-parent with you.  I co-parent with you.  The school he goes to matters so much less than you think it does.  YOU instill his values and morals and affirm him.  Make a fun place for him to grow up in and set clear and safe boundaries.  Much of the reasons why you want Paul Roos is pride.  Much has to do with what you would have wanted for your own life growing up.  What fits Daniel?

I had the perfect most beautiful dress but it was the wrong size.  Yes the school is wonderful but not for my boy.   My constant lack of peace was because I have known this.  The confusing thing for me was I had said since grade 1 I would pray him in and I did.   I guess I never really thought about the fit.  I know many people will think I am crazy and one day he might indeed turn around and say 'how could you!?'   Well Daniel, I have chosen this path for you because I know you, I was co creator and I love you.   While I want your teen years to be filled with learning and opportunity and have you prepared for your career one day, I want you to have fun too and fit in and feel comfortable and secure.  I am excited about your high school for the 1st time in a long time.  Yes a little sad to give up on the dream but ready for a new one.   

His grade 7 farewell was on Friday night.  He went with his 2 best girlfriends who he has been with since grade 1.  He decided  not to take a partner as he wanted to dance with as many girls as possible.  EQ, he has that in abundance, all the Loebenberg's do!